All poetry by Angie is protected by law from false representation, plagiarism and tampering. Use of these works without the written permission from the author is prohibited.
Letting Go
Eventually
I will make friends
With my demons
ANd learn how
To lead them
Out of their dusty cages
But for now
I am comfortable
In letting them lie
For they're not going anywhere
And they will be here
When I'm ready to tame them.
A few Dozen words
All my life
you have asked me
If I wanted to succeed
or if I wanted to succumb.
You spoke your words
with a love so quiet
That I still can't hear it.
Palms curled into fists,
you punched the walls
Of my self-esteem
As if they hadn't been crumbling
since my birth.
A few dozen words
And my entire childhood
is laid bare.
for my father.
Foster Mother
I'm trying to remember
The way I used to close my eyes
And pretend to be asleep
Hoping that she
Didn't notice me blink through my lids
Didn't know I was awake--
Wouldn't drag me outside
Add her design to my scars
Add her frustration to my tears
And all at once
I'm trying not to remember.
for Pamela Daughtery, foster mother
Snowcones
I used to walk into your bedroom in the middle of the night and make sure you
were breathing
I used to hear you crying sometimes, and I would rock you back and forth and
sing, "I'll love you forever".
I used to watch Batman with you and make you pop tarts
I used to throw soccer balls at your face and try to make you a goalkeeper
I used to make you laugh until snowcones came out of your nose
I used to hold you when mom and dad were too busy to care
I used to tell you stories about dragons and princes and damsels in distress
I used to sing songs with you about how lucky you were to have found a nickle
on the sidewalk
I used to build tents with you and pretend we were camping in your room
I used to get postcards from you and hear about the girls in school that you
kissed
I used to make pinatas for you and fill them up with candy and let you smash
them
I used to throw peas and carrots at you at dinner when mom and dad turned their
backs
I used to take you swimming at the pool and force you to jump off the side into
my arms
I used to call you "bookie"
I used to wave at you from the softball field and dedicate my homeruns to you
I used to catch butterflies with you
I used to do puzzles with you and tell you my strategies
I used to make you close your eyes while I grabbed your plastic sword and fight
off the monsters that you swore were living in your closet
I used to bring you all sorts of treats from work
I used to run around outside with you until my lungs ached
I used to help you find our cat when he was hiding from you
I used to talk to you every day
I used to tell you that you could be whoever you wanted to be
I used to help you make names up for your pet fish
I used to catch bugs with you
I miss you, Joshua.
for my brother.
I Care
Sit down.
Let me tell you a story.
You see, love is a wonderful thing.
You think you know this already.
I've got a surprise for you:
You have no fucking idea.
Yes, I am pretty.
Yes, you liked touching me.
Yes, you believed in me.
...
No. You don't know me.
You don't love me.
Your desire pulls you inside out.
The thought of losing me hurts you.
But it's not there.
I'd know if it was.
Trust me.
I can't help you.
I don't love you.
I simply care.
And caring is all I can do for you.
for Joe
Visions
And I see before my eyes
The infinite amount of thoughts and ideas
And I wonder with all this before me
Why do I still sit here, and rot in my laziness...
Indecision...
And apathy?
Stage
Bask in the limelight of your theatre
Stage-pieces set up
For the grand premier of your future---
Love is on the way.
Outside, a storm rages
(Strike! Strike! Strike!)
Inside, your audience awaits in a hushed crowd
Serene silence under the static charge of anticipation.
As the time draws near
The storm blows stronger
The curtains flow longer
To blast open this amphitheatre
And herald to the first line of your eternal play
The voice booms forth;
The words:
"I love you"
Blaze
I burn myself in memories
I burn myself in thought
I burn myself in the thousand futures
That I do not want.
I burn myself in subtleties
I burn myself in fear
I burn myself in the million voices
That I cannot hear.
I dream of infinity
I burn in reality
I wish for anonymity
I burn in society.
I beg for you
I beg for you
for chris
For Him
Like he opens up
A hidden warmth in me
Like his glow brightens up
A future I can see
A dream
Like him
I've never dreamt before
A miracle
Like him
I never thought could be
If I could shine
Like he shines on me
If I could love
Like he loves me
I could hold him
I could love him
I could worship his eyes
I could kiss him
I could love him
I could sweep him into his warmest dreams....
for chris
Feel
Slash your might and seal your fate
I know enough to make you hate
Gotta get 'em down before they slip away
Save what we wanted for another day
And you feel me burn...
And you feel me run...
And you feel me cry...
And you feel me die...
And you feel...
Bleeding away so much hope
Making it hard for me to cope.
What is left is nothing more
Fed me as if I was just your whore
This used to be a happy place
This used to be a happy place
This used to be a happy place
Till you made me feel...
Crumble and rot my every dream...
You tell me what you never mean
Lies in disguise, and you burn my eyes
Yet you still try to fly... you still try to fly...
And I feel you burn
And I hope you run
And I wish you'd cry
As I make you die
And I feel...
for Brian
Miscarriage
Denied and Gone,
The fusion split empty
A flash of numb
This blazes the past like entropy
Crusted over by neglect
Denied... a LIFE
Beating towards compression
And it fades.
It fades.
Silence splashes refusal
Comfort is bitter
And this is gone.
Denied.
Traces scatter like nightfall
Diffused toward eternity...
This is not my past.
This is not my past.
This is not my past
This is not my...
This is not...
This is...
This.
for the unborn baby
All For The Sanity
These words fell twenty-nine stories
And crashed into your arms
Like 31 letters and poems that you read
That spawned one last tear for my sanity.
-Is the fiction too real to be truthful?
-Is the heartache surreal and divine?
Cinderella is twisting and turning-
This dance is a waste of her time.
She knows that her prince is a figment
A hologram bound to dissolve
Like 31 letters and slippers that caused her
To fall one last time into sanity
Maybe she meant she'd consider--
Maybe he's playing pretend--
Whatever the motive, whatever the crime...
He's making her lose it again.
Her heart falls in sections before him...
The way that she told him it could...
"Like 31 letters I'll stand up and show you"
Did he ever suspect that she would?
All for the sanity.
for Shannon
Constant
A jilted dance may make a feast
An irregular heartbeat may trigger a panic
A beauty still may be a beast
A glorified icecube may sink the Titanic
But you remain lodged in emotional stone
Not worn by tide or moved by pain
Spilling your words like they're masked in the known
Like you aren't the parents of all that's insane
for my parents
Joy
If you would give my heart a feather pen
Dipped in living crimson crystal clear,
Scribble your name upon my soul and then
I'd feel as if joy weren't so far, but near.
I beg you, take your hand and write before
These overlapping bubbles slowly fade
I feel as if I've known you even more
Though not so long ago this love was made
Stars that glow in milky layers keep
You in my mind and molten pools of thought.
Invade my self and do not let me sleep...
I'm overpow'rd by you. In you I'm caught.
I need no one but you. Possess my heart.
The joy you give is a priceless work of art.
for Chris
Resonance
Why did she choose
The word that she chose?
The sound of it thunders
The sound of it echoes
The power it holds
Lives long after her death
Her words still have meaning
Her words still have breath
She closed herself off
From the vanities of life
She was nobody's mother
And nobody's wife
But she wrote with a passion
My God, how it shows
In the way that she chose
The word that she chose.
It is almost as if
That one word is spoken
In rushes of wind,
And the sequence is broken.
It winds itself up
In a long twisting chain
And I hear it so clear
I almost feel her pain
LIke she left it for me
Like she wants me to know
Just why she chose
The word that she chose
for Emily Dickinson
Indication
Funny
That in my poetry
My heart appears
By what I have left
Unsaid
More than
By what I say.
08/20/99 "There is no trick or cunning, no art or recipe, by which you can have
in your writing what you do not possess in yourself." --Walt Whitman, 1856
Dragons
What is this venom
And why does it maim me?
Who is this knight
And how does he tame me?
Why is it that Heaven
Is what I'm above?
This must be You.
This must be love.
This must be what I
Have been dreaming of...
This must be You.
This must be love.
for Chris
I Still See You
that was the final insult--
flat on your back
in the open casket
made up to look
like a prince
wrinkled face twisted
into a mortician's
idea of bliss.
for daniel
Thank You
I think of you when day completes its term
And then when morning chases night away.
Time shifts its gears and so the axel turns
And thoughts of you in rapt-like constanse stay.
I think of you when there is naught to think...
I think of you when thoughts attack my sense
Intoxicating more than any drink
I fight to crawl across this barb-wired fence
For this destructive thing I once called love
Envelops me and screams to me of past
And then you come along as if to prove
That empty thoughts of would-haves do not last.
I'd think to thank you for this gift; this prize...
But I'd rather do it while looking in your soft eyes.
for Chris
People I've Kissed
My mother-- who always accidentally kissed the air instead of kissing my cheek.
My father-- but that was such a long time ago.
Trey Carter-- after he chased me around the playground and I fell and scraped
my knee.
Mike Hammock--He could burp the whole alphabet!
John Miller-- Because he was in fourth grade and I was in second.
Ben Garfield-- At my birthday party.
My Dog-- I know I've kissed my dog.
Greg Fink-- When he asked me to dance.
Eddie Londergan-- My God, he could kiss.
Jamison-- I don't remember if that was his last name or his first.
Shawn Ferguson-- I spinned the bottle to fast.
Martin Thomas-- In the back of his souped-up Chevy.
Adam Saunders-- But he'll never admit it.
Mark Delaney-- But that's the last time I'll admit it.
George Rebick-- RIP.
Emily Holcomb-- Because I loved her. I loved her.
Daniel Hedrick.
Brian Pretlow-- because he always made me kiss him.
My brother-- He always had peanut butter breath.
--You--
jolted awake again
drenched in sweat
brutal ringing at 5 am
--You--
Is this tearing me apart of my dreams necessary?
Waves of cold from ice-licked windows hit
and I clumsily clutch at the fuzzy layers
And pull them under my chin.
With a corner of sheets I wipe at tear-filled eyes.
--You--
That ceaseless beating at the door of my spine
And the tearing indecision that seems half an opportunity
For escape
My heart contracts, stops, and then begins anew.
--You--
Look the same
--You--
Scare the hell out of me.
for Daniel
And They All Believe You
I want you to know
That your pretentious idols
Are just as secure
As your runaway glances
You build yourself up
To be one so precautious
That I become nautious
And shun your advances
For sometimes you seem
To take pleasure from pain
You are so fucking greedy
You're so fucking vain
You spell out a story
And craft it in glory
I'm burnt in the fire
Of a pathological liar.
08/17/99
Breakdown
You left me here to miss you
But I won't give you the satisfaction
Of knowing that I'm hurt
Maybe one day when you're fucking her
You'll close your eyes
And wonder why she isn't me--
Maybe not.
Either way, I've had my share of drama, loser boy
So fuck you.
07/19/99 for Brian
Brooding Oceans
They cannot promise me anything
They cannot stop this pain
"you are nothing"
"you'll be nothing"
"nothing" falls like rain.
It does not cleans me.
Just reminds me
Of who I'll never be.
"You are hopeless"
What is hopeless?
Hopeless? Is that me?
Spiteful words
And nameless faces
Tie me down in pain
"you are nothing"
"you'll be nothing"
"nothing" falls like rain.
Anger. Sadness.
Tears and worry
Someone help me see--
"you are ugly"
"you are stupid"
It's not me.
It's not me.
Brooding oceans
Drown me. Drown me.
Wash away this pain.
"you are nothing"
"you'll be nothing"
"nothing" calls my name.
08/29/99 for people whose faces I still see... but God... I don't know their
names
Colliquilese
Your insidious intent
Brings up an overwhelming question:
How long before this tedious argument
Is etherized?
World War Three
Head Vs. Heart
Don't let him fool you. He's playing the game.
(He loves you. He means it. Reach out. Feel the flame)
He'll bruise you. He'll beat you. It's always the same.
(He'll Hold you. He Loves you. Reach out. Call his name)
This isn't real. It's not true. It's not love.
(This strikes you so sudden. You're more than in love)
Run. Hide. Just push him away.
(Run. Find him. Hope. Pray.)
He is there. You are here. He is day. You are night.
(He is here. You are there. This is right. This is right.)
Don't you dare fucking cry. Don't be dumb. Don't be weak.
(It's okay. He is with you. You don't have to speak.)
for chris
I Remember
Shocked again,
I fade back into
Mornings when I,
Crouched to run,
Thrust a happy foot
Through khaki pants
And galloped fiercly
From heart's hot candor
And love's languor--
Meeting precise sunrises
Taller than a ruler could measure.
for Joe
She Says
Are you willing to forget our past
If I say what you don't want to hear?
*
Marching in circles and stepping
In the same shit I thought I'd left behind---
My drummer has changed and I can't seem to find
The beat
As I step on the feet of friendship...
Fast growing emotion
Bones ache making skeletons in my closet
Jangle me... hang me...
*
Disoriented in the strangest land lucky people make friends--
I bend to the phone
Seductively puckering its handle
With my chapstick--
Hellhound!
Stop biting at my heels!
You're the string on the fingers of my mind
Reminding me of what I want...
Who I wronged...
Dumping my trash back in my lap
*
Million dollar man... my man...
Well I'm woman...
And I can tell you what it's like to carry your power
Between your legs...
I'll whisper in your ear
And slither out of your bed...
*
When you were a gorging pubescent larva
How many girls replaced the bubblegum on your bedpost
Because your voice was slicker than snot?
--or are you the silent type--
hating every long hair short hair skirt pumping heel wearing
Bitch
That walked by and ignored you
Ignored you because you are a l o s e r...
*
You're the ONLY one who's ever been ditched ignored dumped on?
*
I pity your ignorance...
Ignoring your own drummer
The string on the fingers of your mind
Reminding you---
The power is all in your head.
Written for Shannon
Sick
You have me around
Because I entertain you
Your need for satisfaction
Like a child showing his mother
He can piss in a toilet--
If there is no one there to praise you
Are you a failure?
Don't turn to me for approval...
Confirmation of your desire
Your questioning smile makes me sick.
I'm a third wheel between you and your ego
Once you've fed, you pat my head
Raising your hand
To make sure I still flinch--
I am not man's best friend.
Your image of perfection
Is a Carnival Mirror
You're the fairest of them all.
for Joe
Unborn Child
I hear the shrieks of my anger
Trying to reclaim the warmth
Once felt in the pit of my belly
Who would you have been
Had you lived to see today?
I have been reborn.
3:42 am
It's one of those nights
Where every muscle is a cramp
And the brain is dull with fear
And there's a bottle of Jose-
A gift I can't drink cause he might have tried to poison me..
And there are cigarettes
But every breath is a wheeze
And the shit is hot and it stings like mecuricrome
And the tears don't help
ANd the silence for a change is unwelcome
But the music was worse
I try to read a magazine but it sucks
Because I have to read the sentences 4 times each
So I roll with it
And it rolls with me
And together we write this piece of shit
Which does help
For about 4 minutes.
Parades of children
Off to say the
Pledge of Alliegance
And to learn
The proper use
Of a condom.
Arg
How can I tell u I love u
In a way that you've never heard it before?
How can I tell you what you mean to me without
Sounding like every other bitch who's ever been
In love?
I don't know that I can.
I do know that once when I was down and out
A toothless old lady who had just checked her Social Security
Bought me a pack of cigarettes
And handed me a ten outta the blue
And said
"Kid you look like you could use it."
That's how I feel when I think of myself
Putting lotion on my face in front of you
Or painting my nails
Or brushing my teeth with your toothbrush
...
You're like a mugshot with a smile
You're like crushing a fly that's been buzzing around your ear when you're trying
to sleep off a hangover
You're like pizza being served at a soup kitchen and there's no one in line
You're like driving through the Bible Belt and finding that there's a rock station
on the radio
You're all that and more
for chris
Andrea
I asked you if it was okay
To be melodramatic
And you said yes.
I asked you if it was okay
To be too tall
And you said yes.
I asked you if I could wear socks
Or not wear socks
And you said, sweetie,
(you call me that sometimes)
You said, you can do just exactly
What you want to do.
Thanks, I said.
And is it even okay
If I don't eat meat
When they try to force it down my throat
And you laughed and said,
What I am trying to tell you is
Yes, yes, yes.
For Andrea McKinney and Kaylin Haught 08/14/99
Conversion to Night
Love writes the world
As an ink-black pearl
On the waves that uncurl
When we trap our hearts.
Love writes the sun
In words undone
That find themselves stunned
As they're taken a- Part.
Love writes the sky
In the clouds of our eyes
In the cunning that lies
In the frenzy of flight.
And Love writes a soul
That once broken is whole
And is shaped by the mold
Of conversion to night.
08/14/99
Distance
We
Are out of earshot
Of one another
Yet our answers
Seem to find
Connected questions
Of an urgency so deep
That they might be coming
From the center
Of a love.
8/14/99 for Chris
I Should Have Let You Know
Struggling to find
The achingly inadequate
Words to describe
An emotion
That I am so familiar with--
But at the same time
Such a stranger to the way
That it has altered itself
To form the exact perfection
Of you.
Lost in my should-haves
I'm foraging through the bits and pieces
Of our conversations
Letting the words entangle me
Into their sticky webs
And realizing that I should have
Started this search long ago
08/14/99 for Chris
Ambrosia
I am a wine glass
Delicate enough
That when your shaky hand slips
I fall to the floor
And remain a shatter of glass that is speckled with rose
The poison of my insides
Seeping into your plush grey carpet.
08/06/99
What I Wanted
How suprisingly fitting
That you called today
And told me that all I wanted
Was your bones
And you said that as you gave them to me one ata time
I put them in a brown paper bag.
You continued to tell me that I pouted when you grew reluctant
And I sucked the marrow from your tiny frame
But you were a monster standing 6 foot tall
And you were spineless anyway
And the only thing you were good at
Was lying in a puddle at my feet
Your boneless penis waving like an anemone.
08/06/99 for Brian
I look at this loss
As if it were an unwrapped gift
Thrown into my lap
By a complete passerby
And before I had the chance to thank you for leaving me heartbroken,
You have moved on to your next victim.
08/06/99 for Brian
Gazing
Shooting stars appear sudden and rash
And only if you spend your entire life
Craning your neck and looking upwards.
The North Star has existed since the beginning of time
And it may not be as rare, but it offers permanent comfort.
I see you
As a shooting star
And I see him
As the North Star.
If the tables were turned and you were the one in the tube top,
Which one would you follow home if you were lost?
Enough Said.
Aug. 06, 1998 for Brian
Calling Home
The phone,
Coiled like an ancient serpent,
Whispers vague threats
And promises.
08/05/99 for my father
War
Worry has wound
My words
Into weapons
08/06/99 for my father
Consider:
This
Is
Not
A
Poem
07/19/99 for Chris
Conversations
I have so much to say to you
That every time I try to speak
I'm overwhelmed by each possibility
And choosing a subject
Is like searching the thrift store
For a pair of jeans that fit.
07/21/99 for Chris
Fleeting Tought
When I am dead
You'll know me better
Than you ever did
Before
07/20/99
Forsaken
I see you were taught
To fight anger with anger--
And not talk to strangers
Who offer their shoulders.
I see that pain's broken you
Into twelve pieces.
It won't go away.
If you hide it increases.
Your life's one big game
And you're playing charades
Trying to run around truth
Being sliced by the blades
Of the sharp knife of sadness.
I'm trying to help
But you shove me aside
Like I'm bad for your health.
07/21/99
Freshly Squeezed
You are that drop of orange juice
That dribbled gracefully down my chin
Only to land in the paper cut on my pinky.
Brilliant device!
Cunning of you to mask your venom
In a citrus aftertaste...
Breakfast never was this challenging
Before there was you.
07/20/99 for Brian
Hurt
darkness surround me
and push light away
gouge out my eyes
so i can't see the day
i can still fucking feel him
i'm still in mid-fall
he is walking in shadows
that dance on my wall
i don't want to see him
i don't want to know him
i don't have the strength
to finish this poem.
07/19/99 for brian
I Can Love Again
I look at you through different eyes
I never thought my heart could lie
Don't fucking try to rationalize
This is our first and last goodbye.
I was told to realize
That every time a demon dies
An angel's born and starts to fly;
Fills up the space once-occupied.
And now I'm trying to devise
A way to make that angel rise
And look into, not at my eyes
And show me how to sympathize.
07/19/99 for Brian
Ignorant
Until you do it right, all you'll do is go wrong
Unsure of what the balance holds, the force is just too strong
If you don't know the words then you can't sing the song
You just noticed me beside you, but I've been here all along.
Fake a feeling to my face. Each time you do it, I feel worse
You act like I'm ignoring every line that you reahearse.
Do not wear the costume if you do not know the verse.
Did you notice my existence? That's a shock. That's a first.
07/19/99
Silence
You keep informing me
That soon I'll pay the price
Of asking you once
And telling you twice.
Saying not much
Sure says a lot.
You run from my silence--
In yours I am caught.
07/20/99
I'm Still Pissed Off
You think I didn't notice you
Undressing me with your eyes.
Your silence spoke a thousand words:
A thousand truths, a thousand lies.
I found a thousand reasons
For why I will not take you back
A thousand different excuses
For the way that you attack.
07/21/99
Irony
You broke my heart.
Well that's not a first
But as soon as you left
I felt much worse.
Isn't it funny
How pain never fails?
Slammed the door in your face,
But I broke a nail.
07/21/99 for Brian
It Must Be Dissapointing To Feel So Damn Fake
In a world of cardboard people
I feel I'm the only match.
If your ignorance keeps scratching,
Then I will be sure to catch.
First i'll sizzle. Then I'll fizzle.
Then i'll blind you with my flash.
And the closer that you come to me
The more I will attack.
Fly too close to the sun
And the more it will burn
But you feel in the heat
There's a lesson to learn.
07/20/99
Deadly
The insanity
You force on me
Touches my heart
In the worst way possible
And then, like an addict,
I beg you for more.
07/20/99
Decision
I will
No longer
Apologize for
Loving you.
07/21/99 for Brian
Disenchantment
Particulary nihilistic,
I'm ambling down
The part of the street
That a huge chunk of rock
Has yet to fall on,
Staring at the surreal abundance
Of cracks in the sidewalk
Trying to stay calibrated
And not make direct eye contact
With people who never knew
They interested me.
07/25/99
Explanation
You looked for a flower
And found a fruit (you always call me crazy)
You looked for a well
And found a sea (you said that i'm too deep)
You looked for a woman And found a soul (sorry i'm not just a body)
Is that why you're so
Dissapointed in me?
07/21/99 for Brian
Confession
I am a poet and I dislike poets.
I detest their sneaking ways
Of approaching the blank paper
With a plague of values they hide
Up their crowded sleeves.
The first thing you notice about poets
Is their well-stocked inquisitive eyes.
That is what makes them so intense,
So pensive, and so introverted:
Missing nothing, catching everything...
And piling it all on my weary back.
07/21/99
Cliche
If you say a word long enough
That word becomes you
That's why "I love you"
Is habit, not awe.
They say human nature
Pays part of the ransom:
Give me compassion,
I'll give you my all.
07/19/99 defining love
Answer
Why did it seem
We were perfect together?
Guess I
Was just too
Damn Adjustable.
07/21/99
Addicted
I smoke the drug of poetry.
Neurotic, but it's true.
A poem is like a symphony;
A portrait painted blue.
I write until I cannot feel,
I cannot breathe, I cannot speak.
I write until I'm lifeless...
Drained and strained and fucking weak.
I write until I cannot hold this weapon
Of my pen.
I fall asleep, wake up, and then
I do it all again.
07/20/99
Choke
Gasping for air under words never said
My heart chokes on love that is hidden in here
For you are convinced and concretely well-fed
And my head pleays with words that I won't let you hear
Absurdly concerned with a love that is dead
I reach for support, for I'm drowning in fear
I want to escape but allow it instead
To continue to kill me, for I want you near
July 16, 1999 for Brian
Biography
A long tall story for a small-town girl:
Wrap her up in lies and throw her to the world
With a quick goodbye and a tip toed twirl
She is faced with a knot that she can't unfurl
Empty bare walls that have kept her in
The knowledge of truth but the urge to sin
And she runs from a past that she hides within
And she long for a time she can smile again
She has carved her heart with a dulling knife
Shaped and formed herself just to live this life
All the fake-ass smiles she has set to flight
And is left with her pain and her tears and her strife
June 09,199
Escape
Give me one fucking reason
To stay and be eaten,
Devoured by all of your animosity
Why shouldn't I run from
This stress and these feelings?
If you gave a damn then I wouldn't be crying
If you gave a damn then I wouldn't feel used
If you gave a damn then I wouldn't feel lonely
So sign me up, darling
To catch the next flight.
June 08,1999 for Brian
Taxi
I don't know
If i'd have to be
Weaker or stronger
To tell the driver
To take this stupid cab
Right over the guardrail
July 15, 1999
Idols
You say I am "amazing"
As if "amazing" were a word I understood
Around here if you're "amazing"
Then you do not stand up straight
And you do not think like they do
And you never wear blue jeans
I'm almost close to understanding that "amazing"
Is a part of everyone else, but never wholly me.
I'm almost close to thinking that "amazing"
Is what we'd call a hero cut into stone
And worshipped like an idol--
That may be why
I could never be "amazing"...
I can only be amazed.
July 09, 1999 for M.
Faces
Faces on the mantle
Faces on the wall
The mantlepiece has shattered
The pictures start to fall...
Faces on the doorstep
Faces in the hall
The welcome mat is muddy
The walkway's much too small
Faces all distorted
Faces fall apart
One face is left remaining:
The face inside my heart
July 15, 1999
Nightmares
I woke you up because I wanted
You to hold me
And tell me that I am not crazy
And that everything will be ok---
You told me you were tired
And to leave you alone.
For some reason I'm ok with that.
July 14, 1999 for Brian
Buried
You told me once
That you gave a fuck
You could tell me again
For all I care
Because while you are burying
Your face in your alcohol
I'm catching the next flight
Back to reality
Idea
The others chase themselves around the essence of my find
And I sit back and watch them leave the master far behind
These are the things that coax the sensibility from minds.
07/04/99
Miss Me...
I am your response, i suppose
A memory of glass that is sprinkled with rose
Miss me? Kiss me--
Like you would kiss a friend... a whore
Or your own fucking muscles
If they were dead fucking sore
Miss me? Kiss me--
Like you would kiss the asshole
Gazing back at you in the water-stained mirror
Knowing that the image of your own audacity
Is crystal clear
Miss me? Kiss me--
7/2/99 for Brian
Amazing?
Like ribbons of smoke
Caught in pure darkness
And then made visible
By some creeping-in light--
I am transformed from
The horrible creature that is me
Into the perfection that you somehow see
7/2/99 for M.G.
BLIND
Oblivious
To Everything
He tries to say
To me.
06/01/99
Debt
I say to you Broken
Who’ve borrowed my smiles
You’ve taken the last of my stock
Please pay back your loans
For now I have nothing
To cancel my debt of unhappiness.
06/06/99
Disgrace
Am I supposed to thank you
For the way you brought me up
To let you down and let you mock me
With the words that have no sound?
Am I supposed to sit here
And feel sorry for myself because
According to your measures
I have shaky mental health??
Am I supposed to listen
To a voice that’s droning on
Inside my ear until it shatters
And my inner voice is gone?
Am I supposed to love you
For destroying all my dreams
And teaching me that I am no one
Rip my heart from seam to seam…
Well, I refuse to bargain
With your lies and then get caught
And dragged beneath the hazy image
Of someone I am not.
06/16/99
Disturbed
Worry ties itself in knots around my heart
As if I have no choice but to let it be strangled
It is almost laughable—
Jagged pieces of you in me
Breaking off into a nightmare laced with crimson
And bubbling with bitterness
As if to prove that I have not yet
Overcome this hurdle,
Beaten this setback,
Or finished this journey
06-11-99
Before Our Laughter Slips
Have we met the place in our lives
Where passion becomes love
Where lust transforms itself to beauty
And creation from above?
Have we gotten there already
Without even making the trip?
Can we get the plane to land
Before our laughter slips?
06-15-99
Writer’s Block
I sometimes feel that I am caught somewhere
Between the wicked truth of my present and the uncanny possibility of a successful
future.
I am too weak to cry and too confused to write—
Knowing that I have lost everything in the terrible
Abyss of Inner Failure…
Failure that I can never give a purpose for, reasons which will never reveal
themselves to me;
My only comfort lying in the fact that no matter what I write, it will always
be mine to keep to myself or share with the world
Somewhere deep inside of me a vision-in-the-making
Wells thicker than pea soup and I am left ignoring reason
As if it were a petty classification or another societal standard to grasp with
fisted hands and force to crumble.
It seems that my heart is always choking on the chance that I can put all of
these inner battles to rest if only I could find the words to do so.
Words—
I’ve never spoken of them as such hateful things before, never seen them as
anything but accessories,
Like shades of paint which with the right strokes could
Transform a blank piece of paper into a replica of the fear and insecurity I
find constantly swimming through my heart.
Now it seems that words are strange
And the effort to uncage them strenuous,
As if they are shadows I will find myself chasing
Until my legs give out beneath me and my knees buckle
Under the heavy weight of misconception.
Conception
Could it be
That you and I
Have created just a little bit more than an undying love for each other?
Could it be
That deep inside of me
A part of you is calling out my name
Fighting desperately to be heard
Amongst the doubt and fear and loneliness?
But more importantly—
Will I be able to hold this child
As unsure I am of its existence
Will I be able to give this child
All the love you’ve given me?
06/15/99 when concerned about being pregnant
Deaf
I hear your voice
So much
That I don’t hear it.
06/01/99
Echo
The gravity of Brian’s kiss
It pulls me down against my will
The intensity of Brian’s touch
It feeds me till I’ve had my fill
The sincerity of Brian’s gaze
It melts me from within
The complexity of Brian’s love
Echoes my love for him.
06/06/99 for Brian N. Pretlow
Energizer
If you were to leave me
And I fell apart
Who would be there
To jumpstart my heart?
Would it start easy?
Perhaps it would stall—
And maybe, just maybe
It won’t start at all.
And I’d go on searching
For that extra part
Someone who would hold me
And jumpstart my heart.
06/06/99 for Tommee Beckerman
Future
Crossing bridges,
Building dreams
And finding later
Nothing’s ever as it seems
No time to hang our heads
Against His master plan
Rewind and find that if we had the chance
We’d do it all again
With no regret
We place our bet
And put our money on the future
Knowing time is not a myth at all
And if we are not strong enough
We’re first to take the fall.
06/06/99 for Brian N. Pretlow
Heaven
I am
In Heaven
When our
Shadows
On the wet
Pavement
Converge—
Making us
One.
06/06/99 for Brian N. Pretlow
understanding
written by Brian N. Pretlow
Love is a Simple thing to those who know it
Love gets difficult to those who don’t
Love is what you make it to be.
For Angie
I Love You
If only we could break cliché to find the manner to portray
The way we feel inside each other…
Like tasting sweetness for the first time and the last
Or trudging up then finding out the hard way
Down goes way too fast
Or holding hands and simply watching as our treasured moments pass
Or walking arm in arm through pain
As rough as sand, and thick as glass.
It’s not enough to thank the heavens that I have you by my side
It’s not enough to be so close we find our hearts almost collide
It’s not enough to dig down deep to find the beauty that you hide
But looking forward, looking backward I am glad we coincide
And like a child I look for comfort in the awe of your brown eyes
And like a child I seek protection from the steadiness that lies
So deep inside you—like a child I set my heart upon the prize
Of having you or having no one
Giving all and then receiving
Triple all I could devise
Some say forever is a wager that is never worth the fight
Some say forever is a darkness trapping out all forms of light
I say forever is a promise and with you it feels so right
To see forever in the morning, through the day, and on till night.
For Brian
Insomnia
I sit back and watch you sleeping
And I crawl into your mind—
All the secrets you are keeping
Starting slowly to unwind
Do you think I think it matters
Whether or not you’re awake?
Inner windows never shatter
Come whatever break you make.
Whispered tales of how I’m feeling
Come to you within your dreams
Head is spinning, thoughts are reeling,
Sleep is never what it seems
Do you think I think it matters
Whether or not you’re awake?
Inner windows never shatter
Come whatever break you make.
06/01/99 for Brian N. Pretlow
Shining Armor
How easily
You play Prince Charming
To a girl who’s never been
A Cinderella
I’d probably
Scrape my big toe
On a broken piece
Of my own glass slipper.
06/06/99 for Brian N. Pretlow
Sanity
Maybe if I could reach inside myself
Take hold of your tiny hands
And smile at your amazingly forming face
Then I could find the strength I need
To accept you and make you my own
Instead I’m faced with open possibilities
Maybe’s and Might-Be’s
Until they drive me almost crazy
Or at least up to the point
Between sanity and losing my mind
I wonder if there is a tiny heart
Beating to the rhythm of my own
I wonder if there is a tiny foot kicking a dance to the off-set beats
I wonder if unborn babies ever
Feel the need to laugh or cry
I wonder if you’re even really there at all.
06/15/99
You Will Be Loved
Nameless one—
When you breathe your first breath
I want to assure you
That you will be loved
With a far greater intensity
Than I have ever loved before
And that I will never let them hurt you
Or poke fun at you
Or attempt to kill you with their dirtiness—
Because I will have created a masterpiece
My clumsy hands holding a paint brush
Detailing you with whispers
Saying that you will be loved.
06/15/99
Agenda
A set of standards guides us all:
He is too fat, she is too tall
Columns under which to fall
That leave us feeling awful small.
Labels stuck with invisible glue
She’s black, he’s white, I’m royal blue
More walls to break our children through
More ways to force their points of view.
Under categories named
The rich, the poor, the proud, the shamed
The few of us that won’t be blamed
Are sparks to fan the future’s flame.
A set of standards guides us all
She’s pierced, he’s spiked, and I am bald
We rise while others take the fall,
We break down walls, we break down walls.
06/16/99 for Linsey Roberts
Children
Little boys call each other faggots
As if they know the meaning of the word.
Little girls wear padded training bras
In search of beauty
And then—
Out of nowhere—
A fragile, dying baby gives her cry
Against abandonment.
And those of us who call ourselves adults
Hear without listening—
Worry without acting—
Plan without achieving—
And shake our heads at the toddler’s death on the evening news.
Flash
Could it be that money’s just an object for the claiming
Propaganda meant for flash and then spent out like common cash
Is it really worth the having if it makes you wear a mask
Don’t even ask me for direction
Just go out and buy a compass
Yeah I used to be a rich-ass Pretty Princess on her throne
But still alone, and I condoned my nonchalance, I thought I owned the place
You saw my face, no trace of common knowledge
Just the comfort of a palace
And the promise
Of a scholarship to college
Big mistake, awake to fake, too fuckin’ baked to know the difference,
Trapped somewhere inside the system
Upper class?
Modern flash?
No, this time I think I’ll pass
I’ll go my way and plan my life from day to day
I feel no pain
Lost my purse strings just to gain
A part I never knew was missing
Listen, gold don’t only glisten
You take your gold to have and hold cause that shit’s old
Now that I’ve found another purpose—
Love is something you can’t purchase
06/03/99 for Sam Crescenzo
Crickets
Quietly the night descends
The crickets mark the only sound
Do crickets ever make their noise
In the middle of the day?
Or are we so asleep to them
Too busy to ever wonder why
They wait for night to mask our sight
Then keep us from our dreams.
06/16/98 for the damn crickets
How to Get to Grandma’s House
Two wrongs don’t make a right
Two rights just send you backwards
Till you’re going round in circles
Why not next time try a left?
For Jarvis cause it’s gonna make him think
Lawnmower
I am left
With the smell
Of fresh-cut grass
Stuck to the tired end
Of an otherwise boring
Shoelace
06/02/99 for Sean McTigue
Occupational Therapy
If you wake up
With a pen behind your ear
And a piece of scribbled-on paper
Underneath your pillow
Does that certify you
As a writer—
Or make you certifiably insane?
06/06/99
Performance
I used to have a pair of Shirley Temple Tapshoes
But now I’ve simply forgotten how to dance.
06/06/99
sliced
one of the worst feelings in the world
is being cut on your insole
by a single blade of grass
it’s true.
06/06/99
strength
I am the woman
Who holds up
The sky.
06/02/99
Tears
I am collecting raindrops
Just before they reach the ground.
It seems to be a good idea
To have a few around
For I am sick of crying
Till I cannot cry no more
So when the tears start welling
I’ll take two or three or four
And pour them from a pitcher
Like they do up in the sky
And I will let them stain my dress
So I do not have to cry.
06/16/99
Venom
Why bother
Holding hands
If you
Cannot escape
The claws??
06/06/99
Wounded
I only stabbed you
In the forehead
With my fork
To vent my anger.
Get the point?
06/02/99 for Daniel Hedrick
